Peter Pan Complex

21 has been a weird age for me.

Over a year ago when my grandmother passed away, I realized that my life was a complete mess and that I was never going to be able to grow as a person unless I confronted a number of unresolved issues. That’s when I decided to seek counseling, and opening up a box that I had fought to keep shut tight for years was the most painful and distressing experience I can remember having. Around the time my last session was approaching, I felt that I was finally strong enough to survive rough environments (or rough soil, if you will), and figured that it was time for me to move out to see if I could thrive. I guess I sort of took the sci-fi novel Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler a bit too seriously, and translated the metaphor of the seed into my own life.

I was doing okay for the first few months, but when my mom started to get sick and my dad came back from the Philippines, things became hard to handle again. I ended up letting it all get to me, and instead of using these trials to motivate me to work harder, I did the opposite. I cried and tried to escape by way of my choice vice - alcohol. I could have done a lot better in school, and I allowed my work ethic to fall through. This winter semester I only worked three days a week in order to be able to focus on school, and I ended up fucking around and am barely holding onto a C in my statistics class. I also missed a few days of work and had to take a loan from a redditor in order to make rent this month, which is why this happened. Basically, I stopped caring about everything.

Things hit me today, though. I found out that my younger sister had failed her chemistry class, and I felt this huge amount of guilt on my shoulders. I’m sure most older siblings look at things differently. I remember when I was living with my younger sister and my mom in a small studio apartment, I did everything to protect her and made sure that she was doing okay. I guess when I moved out I sort of forgot my responsibility as a role model, and while I let myself fall apart I had forgotten that she still needs someone to look up to. I know things are even harder on her because she’s living at home with both of my parents and is experiencing all of their drama firsthand. I’ve decided to take this as a wake-up call to get my shit together and work to become a better person. I’m not sure if I had wanted this enough for myself, but I know I sure as hell want it for her.

It seems like 21 is the age where the conflict of being a child and an adult is at its peak. I know that I need to grow up and start to really take care of myself without any excuses, but because I was afraid, I did all I could to clutch on to the last of my childhood that I had left. I’m over it, though. I’m not saying that I’m never going to have fun again; I’m just going to work hard to earn the right to play hard. It’s time to snap back to reality. Even though it will never be as great as Neverland, it’ll be real, and that’s good enough for me.

2012

This time around I rang in the new year cooking, having margaritas and champagne, and watching movies with my best friend. I feel as though it was probably one of the best ways I have celebrated New Year's Eve so far.

I'm really content with where my life is at right now, and although my faith in a higher being is in limbo I have to say that I do feel blessed. I don't have a lot of money to spare, but I'm definitely making the most out of what I have. I'm not as close to people as I used to be, but the few people I do hold close to me are more than I could ever ask for. This year is going to be crazy with finishing up school at LACC and finding out where I'll be in the fall, and it's stirring up a good mix of both anxiety and excitement. I'm ready to put all that I've got into these next few months.

I made resolutions a month ago and actually started them as soon as I thought them up. I've heard that writing a list of what you want to do is actually counter-productive because as soon as your write things down, your brain feels a sense of accomplishment and has less of a need to get them done. So I'm not writing my list of resolutions, but I will mention one of them.

One of the things that I hold most valuable is knowledge, and sometimes I think that it's taken for granted - especially at this moment in time. As the internet makes everything available at one's fingertips, it seems as though we have forgotten how to really study, observe, and understand because we have the ability to simply google whatever we need to. Because the "what" is always so accessible, we understate the importance of the "how" and "why", and I find this to be tragic. One thing I'm going to start focusing on is understanding, particularly with fields that I am not familiar with.

Another goal of mine was to start running and hiking more often, and as the sun is about to set I should probably head on over to Griffith Park.

¡Feliz año nuevo!

Rambling

Once in a blue moon things will hit, and they will hit hard. This morning I didn't fall asleep until 7 AM because I couldn't stop thinking about everything, and I finally cried.

I worry a lot, and I'm terrible at directly expressing my feelings. That's what I use music, dance, and writing for. Like most other people, I'm afraid that what I say or show will not come across the right way, or maybe the actual message is flawed. I'm afraid of hurting people, and I'm also afraid of getting hurt.

I'm sure my family thinks I'm selfish and resents me for moving out and running away from everything. Maybe I am weak for not being able to handle everything happening. Maybe I am selfish for focusing solely on my needs. It's odd living in United States but still being raised with Filipino culture and traditions. The mythology of the American Dream is all about individualism and working hard for yourself, while in the Philippines if you are to ever put yourself before your family you're considered a disgrace. I know my Mom is still attached to this way of life and is probably ashamed of me when she talks to our relatives. I know for a fact that my brother resents me for being able to get away, too.

I love my Dad, but I can't be there all the time, and I don't think I can be strong for him. Each time I see him I try hard to hold back my tears because the most I can do is sit there and watch him. If I could take all that pain away from him - both physical and emotional - I would. The thing is, because I can never directly say this to him, he's completely convinced that I still resent him for the past. I don't. The past hurt, but I've moved on. I wish he knew how I felt.

I really miss my Lola sometimes. That's all I can really say about that.

I worry about my friends. A few of them are going through tough times, and I don't know what I can do to help. I try to show that I care but I'm not sure if it these attempts are understood. I wish there was some form of magic I could pull off to just keep everyone happy. It hurts me when the people I love are upset.

I've developed feelings for my best friend, and I haven't felt so strongly about a person in a while. I kept that to myself for a long time because I was afraid I would hurt him, but now that I've finally expressed how I feel I'm afraid that I'm the one getting hurt. I want to show him how much I care, but keeping everything a secret makes it hard. I feel as though I still really need to save face. I really just want to hold his hand.

I can't afford a dance class right now, so lately running and hiking have been helping me keep my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I literally use these workouts to run away from my problems, but they really do help to clear my mind. Life get difficult and I often find myself in the dark, but I'm still glad that I have little things to keep me going. When I ended counseling earlier this year, I found that after analyzing certain situations I had made a habit out of finding the good in anything bad. A friend of mine told me that he was neither an optimist or a pessimist, a realist or an idealist; he said that he was a constructionist. You take what you're given (both the good and the bad) and you do what you can with it. I honestly think that this is the best approach to perceiving life.

I have ambiguous feelings about the future of the world. I don't fully trust humanity's capabilities because we're still animals by nature and definitely not Vulcans, but at the same time I think this innate drive in us is what keeps us going. I fear how destructive we can be, but I also know that we do have a sense of compassion. It's just a little frightening because we're starting to develop tools and technology that are far more powerful than what was imaginable a few years ago. I just wonder if we're ready to take on the responsibility of this power and the repercussions that can come from them. Even when it comes to politics, I don't feel like I can trust any person to govern a people - not even myself.

I wish I knew what it would take to heal the world of all its madness. If I did, I would dedicate my life to fixing it.

I have absolutely no idea of where I'm going to be within the next few months, but I'm looking forward to take whatever comes my way. I'm determined to take life for the gift that it is.

I vowed to hold in how I felt to avoid getting hurt.
After finally taking a risk,

here I am.

Show and Tell

More show.

Less tell.