Everything is really difficult right now, but I need to trust that it will all be okay.
The best word to describe how I feel right now would be "unsettled." This is probably an exaggeration, but it seems like the world is slowly starting to crash down on me again, and I don't know how to deal with it all right now. It's probably just me, because I know how I am. I've got a really low stress threshold, and even the smallest setbacks throw me off.
My mom is leaving for the Philippines tomorrow, and I'm not sure when she's coming back. My grandma has been really sick, and this might be the last chance they get to see each other. I kind of wish I could go with her, to get away from things for a while. I might just be being a brat, but I'm kind of disappointed that my mom won't be here for my eighteenth birthday.
So this whole commuting to school thing is proving to be really tough. I love my classes, but the two hour long bus rides to Santa Monica are brutal. It's only been three weeks and I've already been missing classes. I can't afford to miss anymore; there's no more room to screw up. I wish finding a place to live around school was cheaper and easier. I also wish I had somore motivation to go to school. Sometimes I feel like I really have no reason to be there.
I feel sort of empty, spiritually. I want to have faith in something again. I feel this weird void inside. For a while I was sort of looking at life through existentialist eyes. You know, "it is what it is", and you've got to accept it. Now I've just go this feeling that there's more to it than that, and I want to find what more there could be. I have a feeling what I've just written makes no sense at all.
I don't know, I just need to wait it out for a bit. Things get better with time, I suppose.
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