Lessons Learned

I've really been screwing up lately, and I've come to the conclusion that it's because I let all my emotions get ahead of me and push my daily routine and the rest of my life (you know, the other important stuff) behind. I easily get trapped into my own thoughts and dreams, I forget that the outside world is still... out there.

Then I thought I might as well use what I have to clear my mind - blogs, journals, music, etc. I'm pretty sure that I've brought this up before, but I'm always afraid to let others know what I think and feel because that would then reveal most, if not all my weaknesses. Trust me, there are plenty of those. 

Hence, a new year's resolution. Okay, okay. I know - it's the end of September... but I guess the year is starting early for me. Starting October 1st I'm going to write an entry at least once a day to clear my head. It might be public, it might be private, or it might be in my actual journal written by hand... but an entry written by me will exist somewhere. 

Okay, so with that said - let's get back to this entry.

As I was saying, I've been screwing up - with school, money, my social life, work, and my physical health, which then affects my emotional health. Or maybe my emotional state triggered all of this. I don't know. It's funny, the only thing I'm sort of keeping up is the relationship I have with my family. The tables turned. I've been really irresponsible. I only turned eighteen two weeks ago, and already I'm over this lifestyle of excessive alcohol and partying. Since the summer up until last week there was alcohol in my system for at least 4 out of 7 days in the week. The cigarettes are gonna have to go too. I want this pack, the first one I've bought since I turned eighteen, to be the last one.

I wonder how long this is going to last.

I'm going to have to grow up and take control of my life; I know I sort of lost it for a while.

This is going to sound really weird, but I looked into the mirror today and felt the most physically attractive than I've been in a while, and then I almost cried out of disappointment.

I don't recognize this person.

Do you remember the 21st night of September?

Technically it's already the 22nd of September, but I just felt like putting that up as a title for this blog. Um, so I really am just going to "rant" right now 'cause it's 3 AM and I can't think straight.

I started working today (or really on the 21st night of September) at Little Hong Kong Café on Olympic and Sawtelle. My first manager from Pinkberry is managing that place now, so he got me the job as a server. I actually like it a lot.

My birthday was okay. I pretty much spent the whole day with strangers. I don't want to go into detail.

However, this weekend was really good. Friday night I got my tattoo, which I love. It's sort of my motivation to never give up on music, 'cause it pretty much is my life. I'm actually thinking of either finishing up this semester and then trying out either the music program at SMC or LACC next. My brother took Cindy, Jennifer and I out for dinner at Sushi Roku after, and it was expensive, but delicious. Definitely worth the money.

Saturday was the best, though. It was the exact opposite of my actual birthday - I spent it with the people I love and know quite well. I spent it with family. Bree, Paul and Arlaine went through so much trouble to set it all up and surprise me, and I love them for that. Seriously, thank you guys soooo much. You guys make me really happy, y'know that?

I just know that I'm very lucky to have the people I have in my life. I don't know where I would be without any of them.

On the other hand, as much as I hate to admit it, I still miss some people, or a certain person actually, who isn't in my life anymore. I'm kind of bitter because this said person didn't even call, but I guess it's just even more of an incentive to forget about everything. You know, I really just wish you'd at least feel a little guilty for all the shit that you put me through. Maybe it was my fault for caring too much, but I'd say it's a whole lot better than to be you who didn't care at all. I just don't understand how it ended up this way. I really wish I could pull off something like Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.

By the way! Jim Carrey's presenting the movie at the Arclight on October 1st. Anyone want to go?

AND PostSecret event on Tuesday. Yes?

Okay, my eyes are getting heavy. Time to sleep.

Goodnight.

Eighteen.

So I'm legal now. I feel exactly the same (I'm still my nocturnal self, obviously) but something finally hit me. I'm not in high school anymore. It's so weird. I'm responsible for myself now, and I'm not a kid anymore.

The bells don't ring when class is over anymore, and you can't expect everyone at the table to be there at nutrition or lunch. The teachers aren't like the cool parents you never had, but your professors are complete strangers who don't care because they've got their own lives writing books or running private practices. Cops are no longer out to give truancy tickets to help you stay in school, so you need to find your own motivation to get to class.

I was looking through a few Flickrs, and I found pictures that made me really miss it all.

(Hope you guys don't mind me using 'em...)

So here's a goodbye, and an end to that bittersweet chapter.

And by the way, these don't even cover half of senior year.

I did it...

and I'm totally in love with it!

Before...



After...



and the blood I shed in between


Justine got one too!

Todo será bien en tiempo.

Everything is really difficult right now, but I need to trust that it will all be okay.

The best word to describe how I feel right now would be "unsettled." This is probably an exaggeration, but it seems like the world is slowly starting to crash down on me again, and I don't know how to deal with it all right now. It's probably just me, because I know how I am. I've got a really low stress threshold, and even the smallest setbacks throw me off.

My mom is leaving for the Philippines tomorrow, and I'm not sure when she's coming back. My grandma has been really sick, and this might be the last chance they get to see each other. I kind of wish I could go with her, to get away from things for a while. I might just be being a brat, but I'm kind of disappointed that my mom won't be here for my eighteenth birthday.

So this whole commuting to school thing is proving to be really tough. I love my classes, but the two hour long bus rides to Santa Monica are brutal. It's only been three weeks and I've already been missing classes. I can't afford to miss anymore; there's no more room to screw up. I wish finding a place to live around school was cheaper and easier. I also wish I had somore motivation to go to school. Sometimes I feel like I really have no reason to be there.

I feel sort of empty, spiritually. I want to have faith in something again. I feel this weird void inside. For a while I was sort of looking at life through existentialist eyes. You know, "it is what it is", and you've got to accept it. Now I've just go this feeling that there's more to it than that, and I want to find what more there could be. I have a feeling what I've just written makes no sense at all.

I don't know, I just need to wait it out for a bit. Things get better with time, I suppose.