As Bill Withers once soulfully sang:

"We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted waters's all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow
Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait too late
We got to go for all we know"

On break at work today, the song came up on my iPod, and only then did it hit me that the lyrics of that song were so great.

I think I've become a workaholic. I only have one day off this week, and all my shifts are at least seven hours. Workin' on Halloween night too. It's cool with me, though. It's not one of my favorite holidays. I actually don't like any holidays - I just consider plain good days to be my holidays.

I finished some of my college re-applications (Cal-state universities). I just need to finish up the UCs, and I'm still considering which out of states I'm looking at. I'm not sure how I feel about my decision to take a year off... but I do think I needed it. Whatever happens, happens.

I have my driver's exam in six hours.
Hopefully by the next blog I'll be a licensed driver. Mmmm.
Good morning!

Where is My Mind?

A lot of people I know are in some sort of funk. I wish I could help somehow...

Sorry guys; I'm not dead. I've just been working, and I haven't really felt like going out lately.

There was a lot that I had wanted to write about earlier, but I'm way too tired now. I'm just going to type whatever comes to mind.

And it's blank.

I'm pretty content. I'm not amazingly happy, but I'm content. Things could be better, and things could be worse.

3:21 AM.
I need sleep.

He estado fingiendo que no estás en mi mente.

Pero en realidad, has estado siempre allí.

Estoy empezando creer que todo no te importa,
que no importo a ti.

Espero que mis pensamientos son inválidos.

Yo deseo saber qué piensas.
Déjeme saber, por favor.

Te extraño mucho - no puedes imaginar.

Quiero solamente los deseos mejores para ti.



Nunca quiero estar dependiente a nadie, pero nunca he sintiendo solo cómo ahorita. Me parece todo del mundo está ocupado con sus cosas, y no tengo nadie puedo a caída. Quízas es mi incidente porque mis prioridades no eran correctos. Quízas confiaba a las personas malas. No sé, pero quiero encontrar personas que puedan aceptar me para me. Estoy cansada. No puedo poner está máscara más. No puedo llorar, pero a la misma, no puedo sonreír demasiado tiempo.

Necesito encontrar una razón que ser contenta.

Tired.

I need new surroundings. I'm tired of everything I'm familiar with, and I need a break.
I want to see new things, and have a fresh start somewhere else.
I want to get away from here.

It's not because things aren't good - things are going pretty well for me right now. I just want to have a fresh start, and just get a different perspective.

Sometimes I really wish I had gone to New York or San Francisco for school. I know I shouldn't dwell in "what if's", "would haves" and "could haves." I don't want to make my parents guilty; I understand how expensive that would have been. I just can't help the fact that I feel stuck here. I'm really afraid that I'm never going to be able to leave this place.

I know I'm still here for a reason, though. I just wish I knew what that was.

W.

I just came back from the midnight show of the movie W., the biographical movie of our dearly beloved President, George W. Bush.

(The boys and I were actually planning on seeing Myspace's free screening of Role Models, but someone - I won't state names - ran late, so we missed it. Haha, it's cool though. We saw this movie for free because Tony works at the Arclight.)

Going back to the film, I'd say it was well worth our time. As much as I'd like to, I have to admit that I haven't actually kept up with politics for a while now - not since Kerry lost four years ago. After that I had given up all hope in our country. So based on everything the media exposed on our television screens, radios, and now the Internet, just like every other liberal in this blue state, I too thought of a monkey when I saw George W. Bush's face. After seeing this movie, that judgment I held faded a bit.

Though the movie was slanted towards revealing our President as a less-than-intelligent man, it also revealed other things too. When we think of our "government", most of us automatically think of the way our President runs things - and that's just it. The President isn't really the only one to blame, though. We need to remember that our government is made up of different branches, and that the President is only one part of the executive branch. He's not the only one in that branch either. There's also the Vice President (who was definitely portrayed as a Dick in the movie), the Speaker, the Secretary of State, Treasury, and so forth. Sad as it is to say, George W. Bush is just a man representing these guys - a puppet, if you will. He confides in them to make decisions that affect billions of people, because we need to face this reality. Not one man can run this country alone.

That's all he is, really. He's human. He isn't Superman. He's got his flaws just like the rest of us. He'll have his strengths, and he'll have his weaknesses.

Okay, I'm making this a pity party, though. I'm not saying that he's totally free of guilt - 'cause he's not. Maybe he had poor judgment in letting a Dick tell him what to do; I don't know. I just think that some people are too quick to hate on him. Heck, I know I was. But hey, you try running for President, then.

If anything, that film sort of relieved a bit of my discontentment with George W. Bush. It just made me feel really bad for the guy.

I just wanted to mention one more thing. On the ride home, Bernardo pointed out the difference between the election of 2004 and 2008. Back in 2004, Kerry and Bush were both firm in what they believed in - every question in the debates had an absolute yes or no answer. Are you Pro-Life? Do you believe in the death penalty? Gay marriage? The candidates then were distinct, firmly grounded with their beliefs, and therefore made it easier to choose. Now the candidates for presidency have moderate answers within a gray scale. None of them are clear, and their answers to questions just sound really similar to me. Bernardo said that it could be because they're afraid of losing votes by stating something clearly - and that sounds extremely plausible in my opinion.

I'm still lost in the realm of politics. All I know is that I want to make things better for everyone. I was just thinking about the economy, and to be honest... I really am tired of this Laissez-faire bull. The rich are just getting richer, leaving the poor with nothing. Then again, without a free-market... would that just lead to the other extreme? Communism? I wish someone would come up with an amazing plan to get us out of debt.

F*ck it, I should just move to Canada.

Mmmph.

Apparently everyone has decided to ban blogging. Not this girl! Um, I think blogging and playing music is all that's been keeping me sane lately. Sort of like an anti-drug, I guess. I'm doing pretty well without the cigarettes, though it's tempting to ask someone for one when they start smoking in your face. I just realized that I hadn't drinken since.. okay nevermind. I actually have had some alcohol recently. But hey, I'm still doing better!

I like Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Tuesday I closed the café with Yohannes and Maggie, two out of my three favorite co-workers. Actually I love all of them, I don't know what I'm saying. It was really fun, though. I love closing 'cause we always ge the left-over food. Jealous? Hah.

Today (or technically yesterday) was good too. As soon as I woke up, Bernardo asked me to hang out, and so him, Tony, Erin and I went bowling in Burbank. I suck, pretty much. After that, I went home and got ready to have a photoshoot with Jordan. It was really fun. We went to Van Ness Park - the park I practically grew up in. I think he put up some pictures on his Myspace already. Good times - I always love talking and catching up with him.

I met up with my mom and sister at the Beverly Center after that, and got myself a hoodie. After that I had dinner with my Mom. I'm starting to feel closer to her, and I'm happy about that. We had Chinese food in the gazebo in the back, and went over the state propositions for this election. I don't know, it was nice. I hadn't seen her in a week, and usually when I see her we don't really talk.


Obviously I'm not "homeless" anymore - not literally. In a figurative sense, though, I'm not so sure. To sum up my weekend without a home...

I stayed at Paul's house in Los Feliz (LZ?), had lunch at Hooters in Burbank with Shonna, Allen, Bree, Paul and Arlaine, had an interview for a second job, had dinner for my best friend Cindy's birthday, got drunk with new friends and a cute guy in Downey, crashed at Cindy's pad in Long Beach, caught up with my Godmother and got a glimpse at my birthday present, came back to L.A. to a power outage, saw a movie with Marcel and Mike, slept over and had a girl talk at Mike's place, had "breakfast" at Numero Uno with Marcel, frolicked in Griffith Park with Bree, Scott and Paul, had Korean Spaghetti with Erin Kim, and finally walk into my house after much hesitation.

My brother acts as if nothing ever happened, and that kind of makes me mad. I really want to talk it all out and explain everything, but I'm not getting a chance to. Whatever, as long as I've got a roof over my head I guess I can't complain.

So anyway, this evening, instead of doing something terrible, I played guitar all night. I put two covers up on Youtube. I swear, covering songs is like my new addiction. I'm finally starting to write my own song, though. Yeah, it's unbelieveable, I know. Haha. So there you go.

I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to knock out.

Love Letters

I read some journal entries from a while ago, and this was one of them. I just thought I should post it up 'cause I thought it was pretty funny. True, but still funny, haha.

"Dear Love,

I have to admit this relationship we've mustered up has been pretty interesting. My friends would always talk about you non-stop, and before all this this I had only bumped into you once or twice. Sorry, but I was always too busy with other things and only recently did I have a chance to get to know you. Honestly, fear also stopped me from talking to you for a while. You see, Love, you've built up quite the reputation. You're both famous and infamous. Some told me that you were absolutely incredible, amazing, and someone to definitely come by at least once. Then again, others described you as this terrible monster who could ruin lives with the blink of an eye. So you can see why I strayed away from crossing paths with you for bit.

Then out of the blue you popped up into my life, and just as some of my friends had told me before, things were great! I had never been happier knowing you and just having you there. It was always fun, and I felt safe with you there. I mean, yeah, we had our little fights and some moments of pure stupidity, but things were good and I liked it that way. Then you disappeared just as quickly as you had appeared, and had me pretty confused. I had faith and I knew that you were going to come back, but I didn't know when. That drove me absolutely insane, but I was patient and gave it time - you actually did come back. Things were good again, and I was happier than ever.

But this pattern just kept repeating. You would always come and go, and the periods of time without you just got longer and longer. It broke my heart a bit. I read a poem by Robert Frost called "Happiness Makes up in Height what it Lacks in Length," and it had me wondering. Is all this waiting worth that height of happiness? I still don't have an answer to that question.

Love, all I know is that though knowing you had made me happy, happier than I ever thought I could be. Then again I just don't think that I'm ready for the pain that you carry along with you. Yes, I'm taking a break from you. I need my room and I just want to live my life for now. I think that it'd be better for us to carry on our separate ways for a while. You need to meet other people and make them happy. Maybe, just maybe when I've had enough time, I'll be prepared for all those headaches and the heartache you've got. Or maybe by then all that pain will be gone. I don't know Just let me be free for now, okay? Thanks.


Forever Yours,
Caresse"

Homeless.

I don't know what's been up with me lately, but as of 12:34 AM this morning, I'm officially without a home. Right now I'm at Paul's place, and I don't know where I'll be staying tomorrow, or the night after that, or the night after that.

I've been really stupid and out of it lately. I had to take Bree home and everyone else was asleep, so I took my brother's car, got some gas, stopped to see some friends and then took her home. Actually, she drove herself home 'cause she's fearless and can drive a lot faster than I can, 'cause by that time my brother had woken up and started calling me and threatening to call the police. Anyway, I go back home and as soon as I walk in and hand him the keys, he's yelling "grab your shit and leave."

I didn't want to take anything, so I just left and walked around for a while. Paul, Ben, and Luis came to my rescue, and this is how I got here.


I know that taking the car isn't the only reason why I got kicked out. I know that I've been letting them all down - dropping my classes and smoking. They can't give me crap for drinking, though. Everyone in this house gets drunk at least twice a week. Hah, but seriously. I know that I've hit it pretty low, but I'm trying to get better. I really am. I quit smoking, and I haven't drinken anything since my birthday. Eh.

It probably doesn't make sense, but this whole punishment of being kicked out seems like a blessing more than anything to me. I never felt at home there - you could ask anyone who knows me. Whenever I'm out of the house and it's time to go back, I'd make up any excuse to stay out a bit longer because I never want to be "home." People come over and the place seems pretty chill, and they ask why the hell I'd want to move out, but they really don't get it.

My house has been a broken home for as long as I can remember. I can't really explain why I'm never comfortable there, but I guess it might be because too much has happened in there, and things just aren't the same anymore. I don't feel at home at my Mom's place either. Maybe it's the people I live with - my family. I've never felt so distant from people who are supposed to be the closest to me.

I'm not sure what's going to happen now, but I just hope that I find a home somewhere - both literally and figuratively.

I'm not going to lie.

I miss you. A few of you.

The other night I took the car and went to grab something to eat with Justine, and after I dropped her off, I didn't feel like going home. I kept driving for about two hours, and I found myself passing by the houses of a few people. Some of them probably don't even live in the same place, but I thought of them nonetheless. At 3 in the morning I drove from Hancock Park, to West Hollywood, to Silverlake, to Atwater, to Glendale, and I finally went on my way back home.

I started to wonder how things would be if these people still played a part in my life. I wondered where they had gone and why they left. Did they choose to leave? Or was it just time building up walls again? Maybe I built those walls. I don't know. Maybe these walls don't even exist. Maybe it's just the fact that we've all got different paths to take.

That really blows.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I love my Gran'mama.

I came home to that earlier. Inside was a sandwich and grapes. She really is to sweet for words. Sometimes I feel guilty because I know I take her for granted. I get so wound up in other things that I forget she's there sometimes - and I'm living in her house. I wish she knew how much I really cared; I suck at showing affection. I also feel like I've been letting her down lately, like I didn't become the girl she wanted me to be. I don't want to disappoint her, and I'm going to try not to from now on.

Speaking of getting wound up in my own world, I've found that I'm too easily distracted. Take for example, this evening. I drove on the freeway for the first tme with Bree, Bert, Jon, and Paul. Mmm, how to explain this... Paul had connected his sidekick to play music, and that sound came on as someone's phone was close to the radio. It got to me, I lost focus, and almost braked on the freeway! We missed the exit, and as I got off the next one, Mr. Always-Picks-On-Me started picking on me again. Bree made me nervous too! Haha, now that I look back on it, it's really funny. I can't let small things get to me on the road though - I don't want to get anyone killed!

I don't know if it shows, but I'm pretty bummed out. I've been feeling really low because of school. I still can't believe I dropped more than half of my classes. I know I'm not working at my full potential, and I know I could be doing so much better. I wish I didn't get so stressed out easily, but I don't know. It's difficult balancing everything out. I guess for now I can just work really hard and earn money to save up for a car that can get me to classes next semester. Hopefully this works out well. I really like working at the café. It's never boring, and I get free coffee and food. Hah. I just need the little things to keep me going.

By the way, it's my baby's birthday on October 8th.

CYNTHIA KIM IS LEGAL IN TWO DAYS!

DON'T VOTE!

Yeah, I thought they were serious too.

Just thought you all needed a reminder. Remember to register by October 4th!

I'm not sure if I'm ticked off or relieved. I pulled an all-nighter because my old sleeping habits kicked in again. This week I've been sleeping at 4 AM and waking up at noon. I kicked myself for missing class on Tuesday, and I didn't go to work (mind you, I just started on Monday) yesterday either. This cold is kicking my ass again. I'm starting to lose my voice. I was starting to do a video blog this morning, but then I realized mid-way that I couldn't speak!

I had breakfast with Josh and Gilbert this morning, and I really didn't want to school, but I knew that I had to drag myself down here. So as I walked off of the bus half asleep, congested and groggy, up the stairs of the Humanities and Social Science building, I see a large sign on room 255. PSYCH 1 CLASS CANCELED. I was partially relieved, yet resentful. I took an hour long bus ride to blog; something I could have done at home. Whatever. I guess I'll be going to Filipino Club today. Er..

Yesterday was alright though. After staying in bed and being miserable, my brother got me up and we drove to the Northridge mall after grabbing some Taco Bell. There was an old Armenian woman sitting and yelling at everyone - I personally thought she was putting a spell on me. I love Los Angeles. I always come upon interesting people at least once a day. So after that I got dropped off in Glendale to hang out with Arlaine and Bree, who are apparently my daughters now. After almost killing them (long story), we took the bus to Vermont to have dinner with Paul.

There I came upon another interesting person. After I had ordered my food and waited for my change, this guy in I'm guessing his late 50's commented on my tattoo. We started talking about music, and he was actually a composer himself. He talked about how he had composed songs in English, and was paid by a Tagalog singer named Freddy Aguilar to translate his songs to become pop hits in the 80's. Pretty cool. The thing was, he didn't look like a musician. He was wearing a dress shirt and slacks, with one of those clip on name tags with a picture of him on it. He looked like a businessman. It turns out he's actually a social worker. He said music wasn't something to live off of, so he had to.

*Cue rant.

I'm becoming more susceptible to reality slowly but surely. I really want to major in music, but even though I haven't even started, it's already proving to be difficult to have faith in. It's not like I'm not going to do it anymore; it's not out of reach. I just need to find something to fall back on. I know that I've been stubborn about it - I've had endless arguments with my brother about how nursing is just not in my vocabulary anymore... but now it doesn't seem too bad. I hate blood, but I'd be helping people and saving lives in a way, right? I think I was actually afraid of two things, blood and the stereotype. You know, the stereotype that all Filipinos go for nursing or any career in the medical field. I guess it's about to be validated yet again.

I really wish that money were no object. It's certainly not the case, especially now with the government's decision to pay off the $700 billion bailout for this credit crisis. Hey there tax man! Where've you been? Hah. If I could, I'd just go my own way and play music and write blogs all day. Hahaha. Well, there's another thought. Journalism? Nah. With times changing, as sad as it is, I think the newspaper is going to reach extinction pretty soon. Now, online journalism just might be a possibility.

Also, if I could have my own way, I wouldn't be working. I'd just be going to school all day long. I wish I could have kept all my classes, but I guess I learn from my mistakes. Next semester I'm going to take advantage of how cheap classes are here at Santa Monica. Hopefully by then I'll have a car.

End rant.*

Though I could have gone home to study for a class I wasn't to have, because I love these girls so much I took the bus with Paul all the way to Glendale to drop them off. I do pride myself in being a great mother. Paul and I walked around the mall for a bit. We went into Target, and tried stuff on. I need to stop wasting money on clothes (again with the money...). All in all I had a good day with my loves. Every moment spent with them is most definitely worth it.

I was considering going M.I.A. for a while and keeping to myself for a bit - you know the deal. I was going to deactivate Facebook and Twitter and maybe just blog. Then what do I do? I go ahead and make myself a Myspace. Hah! I guess my anti-social days are over. Oh well!

Alright, I'm starting to feel like this blog is getting unnecessarily long. That's it for now. Adios.

AND DON'T FORGET TO REGISTER TO VOTE!