My body is killing me.

Or maybe I'm killing my body.

My left arm feels numb, and it still feels like the ivy is in my vein. It feels like my stomach is eating itself up. I'm terribly uncomfortable typing this blog - but if I didn't blog I don't think I'd be able to fall asleep.

On Monday night my friends took me into the emergency room at Queen of Angels. I'm not going to lie - I felt like total shit. I was released yesterday morning with a diagnosis of alcohol intoxication and a kidney infection. I don't remember much of what happened, but waking up in a hospital bed with my brother holding my hand was the most comforting feeling I've ever known.

I feel like, or actually, I know that I take him for granted. He's always been there for me. He's the one who rushed me to the ER last time. Sometimes I feel like he and my dad switched places, 'cause he's been more of a father to me than anyone else. I'm a terrible sister for taking advantage of that, and that's why I'm promising that as soon as I get better, I'll become a better person for him.

"I promise that I will never lose myself to self-pity again."

These past few weeks I've been drowning myself in alcohol, cigarettes, and cannabis. None of those were good ideas, at least physically speaking (considering the ulcer I had), but emotionally they seemed like the only choices I had. I wish I could begin to explain why I felt that way, but I'm afraid that'd be revealing too much. I just really need to let go of the past, as much as it may haunt me. I've learned my lesson. I've found that someday I'm going to have to face my problems without the help of substances. Maybe that day is today.

Next year, I resolve to get all my shit together.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Inside and Out

What up!

I'm sorry, that last blog was pretty... emotional. I'm also sorry that the last few blogs have been pretty vague - but hey, I promise that this one will be crystal clear. Sort of.

Today is Christmas. I guess it's Filipino tradition to celebrate Christmas Eve more than Christmas itself, so last night my grandma cooked a lot of food - maybe too much food. It was really good having the family together again.

My uncle finally came back from San Diego, and that always makes me feel better. We played music all night - him on the guitar, and me on piano. I don't know, but there's just something about him being here that makes me feel like I'm actually at home. I think the reason might be because I see him as more of a dad than my real one. I love that he actually supports me in everything I do - especially with music.

My co-worker Suzette got me to join her band - RubySue and the Ethereal Blues - playing the keys and doing back-up vocals. It's been really fun so far. We're in the process of recording, and we've got two gigs coming up (the Pig n' Whistle on Jan. 24th and the Rainbow Room sometime in February). It's funny how she asked me to be in it, though. I was just in the kitchen in the back doing dishes and singing, thinking no one could hear me... and as soon as I walk out into the café, Suzette walks up to me and asks to be in the band. And after that... well, h'yeah. I'm kind of nervous about the shows, though. We still need to get everything together. I hope it all goes well.

I'm still not sure if I'll be going to San Francisco or Long Beach in the fall, but either way I'm thinking of taking up a semester at LACC. My brain is slowly rotting away, and I need to fix that. also just got a letter from NYU and they're offering a summer program to take care of some units. That would be amazing if I could save up the money to go. I feel like such a nerd being so excited for school, but I really do miss it. I'm secretly jealous of everyone who went crazy during finals and loss several hours of sleep. Kids in college seriously don't know how well they have it. I can't wait to be thousands of dollars in debt in student loans!

Speaking of schools, Parker sent me a video of us at Berkeley after the Stanford game. I don't know if you can find me, but I'm the short Asian girl in a blue hoodie and gold scarf, next to the tall blonde guy in the brown sweater. We're definitely in the last few frames.


That weekend was one of the best I've ever had. Sorry Joe, I don't have pictures 'cause my brother had the camera in Germany... but I do have stories!

Um, the point of this blog was to make a few New Year's Resolutions.
I never do this, but I feel like I should this year for some odd reason. So here it goes.

1. I'm going to start dancing again. I don't know how many times I've complained about not having taken a dance class in a billion years. It's ridiculous, and I'm going to do something about it.

2. I'm going to cut back on the drinking and smoking. Notice how I didn't say I was going to quit - going cold turkey would kill me.

3. I will not let myself be taken advantage of. I sort of realized that I can be too nice at times. I let too much shit happen to myself, and I need to learn how to say no to people (and things?).

Okay, that's it.

Happy Holidays!

I was in denial this whole time, and I never let it get to me.
I haven't cried in a while
and now the tears won't stop streaming down my face.

I said no, but I let it happen.
I feel extremely low and of no value - well, maybe the spare change of a joke.

I want to move far away.