Escapism

I'm here at Cindy's place in Long Beach. I'm always here when I'm running away from something. She's at class right now, and I forgot to bring a book and my journal. I packed a swimsuit but when we got to the pool last night we found that it was empty. I know, I should have brought a skateboard. Oh, well.

My brother came home last week, and everything was alright for the first few nights. Then responsibilities came up with fixing the house and taking care of the tenants who live in the back house, and stress started building up. I'm always the one to blame for most things, because I was the one who was home and not partying in the Philippines.

I guess I'm just mad because I didn't ask for this. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that my grandma was thinking of us when she gave us that house. It's just that in this situation the 60 year old house was dropped in my hands, and I'm not ready to be held accountable for it. There's so much to fix. Tenants can be a nightmare, and giving them my cell phone number was the worst decision I've made. All these changes broke my relationship with my mom, too, just as things were getting better. These days she only texts me with commands for the house; she doesn't even live there. I can't remember the last time she said "I love you." Having your own home isn't so luxurious when you're not ready for it. How would you expect me to be able to stabilize a home when my life in itself isn't stable?

I wish I could be more selfish. I just wanted to move out and go to school. I already feel like my brain is dying. It's only good for describing cupcakes in detail and asking if you want sprinkles or not. I think my heart has gotten harder, too. It used to take a lot for me to become mad or angry, but my tolerance has gotten a lot lower. I'm kind of disgusted at the person I've become. I'm only eighteen, and I already feel like a weathered old prune. What happened?

As a result of all this, I find myself sleeping most of the time now to get away from reality. If I'm not at work or band practice, I'll be asleep, even if I don't need the rest. In fact, I just woke up from a nap right before I started writing this.

Things were okay, but I just want it all to be over.


I had a dream about the desert. I really want to drive out and stay there for a while.



P.S.
It's cool, we can still be friends.