Our first assignment in English was to write an essay analyzing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I know I procrastinated and waited until 3 AM of the day it was due to start on it, but I got it done, and I was happy with my work. I guess I thrive under pressure, because I'm supposed to be done with this book in a few hours, too. I don't care, I'm going to hold off reading it, and you can't stop me! So, anxiously waiting for the grade of what I thought was a masterpiece (I know for a fact it wasn't, but it seemed like it did at the time because I thought it was clever to allude to Spider-Man), I walk into class to find my professor disappointed with everyone's papers. I guess the assessment process at LACC is below par, because 75% the people placed in my English 101 class can't conjugate verbs and are unaware of what a preposition is. So, steadfast in the belief that reading is fundamental, he changed our reading assignments from essays and speeches to high school level books - the first one being The Catcher in the Rye, of course.
As soon as I saw him write the title of the book on the board, my heart dropped. Honest to God or whoever you believe in, in the course of the first few weeks of school I was enamored with this man because he reminded me of House (even though it would never have worked out anyway because he's interested in men and I'm already in love with Alex). At that moment, though, all those sweet feelings of adoration diminished. It's not that I hated the book, I loved it when I first read it. I couldn't put it down when I had picked it up the first time. I just wanted to read something new.
So halfway into the book now, I find that I do in fact hate it. Holden Caulfield is the most melancholy and morbid character known to literature, and has rubbed off on me. I think he's reason why I've been pretty emotional lately. I only started noticing everything dysfunctional in my life again because of this book. I mean, that could be a good thing, but I was happy without thinking about everything. Ignorance really is bliss, and The Catcher in the Rye puts life into a perspective where ignorance isn't available and it peels your eyes until they're dry. It's pretty terrible.
I'm not looking forward to finishing it again.
Anyway, I had a weekend full of ups and downs... more downs toward the end, but what's seen in this picture more than makes up for it. Disregard my eye bags, and focus on that sticker on my Macbook. After what had started as a shitty day at school today to top off a shitty Sunday, I meet up with Alex, and he gives me a Domo-kun car decal sticker. For some reason it just made everything better. The little things really do make me happy.
Today I looked into the mirror, and felt beautiful. I can't remember the last time I could say that. I admit that I've had pretty low self-esteem for a while now. I've been self-conscious of my weight because I'm not the 90-pound stick I was in high school. I'm not a model. I filled in, but today I realized that I gained weight not because of fat, but because I grew an ass and boobs - and I'm happy with them.
I realize that my family isn't there for me and I've lost touch with some people, but it's okay. The people who really matter are still here, and I'm here for them, no matter how far away they are.
Life isn't what it used to be, but I'm okay with it.
So screw you, Holden Caulfield. I'm going to stay happy.
I'm a student without a salary, but I'm willing to accept change.
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