Another one bites the dust.

There's so much I could say, but I'm biting my tongue for fear that each word I write is being read under a magnifying glass and judged.

For a while I was doing pretty well with not really giving a damn about what people thought, but it's starting to bug me now.

My faults are always the focus of our friendship.

Escapism

I'm here at Cindy's place in Long Beach. I'm always here when I'm running away from something. She's at class right now, and I forgot to bring a book and my journal. I packed a swimsuit but when we got to the pool last night we found that it was empty. I know, I should have brought a skateboard. Oh, well.

My brother came home last week, and everything was alright for the first few nights. Then responsibilities came up with fixing the house and taking care of the tenants who live in the back house, and stress started building up. I'm always the one to blame for most things, because I was the one who was home and not partying in the Philippines.

I guess I'm just mad because I didn't ask for this. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that my grandma was thinking of us when she gave us that house. It's just that in this situation the 60 year old house was dropped in my hands, and I'm not ready to be held accountable for it. There's so much to fix. Tenants can be a nightmare, and giving them my cell phone number was the worst decision I've made. All these changes broke my relationship with my mom, too, just as things were getting better. These days she only texts me with commands for the house; she doesn't even live there. I can't remember the last time she said "I love you." Having your own home isn't so luxurious when you're not ready for it. How would you expect me to be able to stabilize a home when my life in itself isn't stable?

I wish I could be more selfish. I just wanted to move out and go to school. I already feel like my brain is dying. It's only good for describing cupcakes in detail and asking if you want sprinkles or not. I think my heart has gotten harder, too. It used to take a lot for me to become mad or angry, but my tolerance has gotten a lot lower. I'm kind of disgusted at the person I've become. I'm only eighteen, and I already feel like a weathered old prune. What happened?

As a result of all this, I find myself sleeping most of the time now to get away from reality. If I'm not at work or band practice, I'll be asleep, even if I don't need the rest. In fact, I just woke up from a nap right before I started writing this.

Things were okay, but I just want it all to be over.


I had a dream about the desert. I really want to drive out and stay there for a while.



P.S.
It's cool, we can still be friends.

Awake

Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually, and in any other form possible, I think I'm here.

For a really long time now, I've felt like a different person had taken over my body and the old me went off somewhere. I can't place an exact point, but it started somewhere around the beginning of my senior year of high school. I remember feeling like it was really all downhill from there. So much has happened, and I think last week was a turning point for me. It opened up my eyes to reality, and I just needed to adjust to the light.

Slowly but surely, though, it seems like everything is coming to place again. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like the old me is coming back.

I think I'm finally out of that tunnel.


This is the best I've felt in a really long time, and I'm thankful for it all.






... and this is what has kept me sane, what has gotten me through everything.