I need to prioritize.
I need to set some goals.
I need to to set some realistic goals.
I need to stop expecting too much, and
I need to stop expecting too little from myself.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Word Vomit
I know I just made a reference to Mean Girls, but don't judge me. Tina Fey's writing was brilliant in that one. Anyway...
Lately I've been being a little less reserved and speaking my mind more than usual. It's a bit odd, because I'm usually the opposite. I realize that I've gradually become the type of person I resent the most - the type to speak quicker than my mind can process. The quality that I look for most in people is respect, and I noticed that by not thinking before speaking, I actually end up being a little disrespectful to others.
"I will never say anything that couldn't stand as the last thing I ever say."
I'm working on it, I'm working on it.
Lately I've been being a little less reserved and speaking my mind more than usual. It's a bit odd, because I'm usually the opposite. I realize that I've gradually become the type of person I resent the most - the type to speak quicker than my mind can process. The quality that I look for most in people is respect, and I noticed that by not thinking before speaking, I actually end up being a little disrespectful to others.
"I will never say anything that couldn't stand as the last thing I ever say."
I'm working on it, I'm working on it.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Esperando
This is Cindy sleeping...
and that would be me,
waiting for her to wake up.
I decided to do a little blogging while I wait.
As of late, life has been a rollercoaster. Within the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with stress at home, created distance with a few people, gotten closer to others, caught up with old friends, gotten into a relationship with a boy I'm pretty fond of, got music licensed by MTV, convinced my mom to buy herself a new car when I was trying to convince her to get one for me, thought about slowly torturing someone (not seriously, though... kind of), started new hobbies, left my job, and have almost been shipped off to the Philippines.
My mom and my brother are serious about that last part, and I'm a little scared. They think that living in the Philippines would be better for me. I can sort of see their point of view - school is inexpensive over there (as is life, generally), and I would probably be more focused. The life I live here actually has been a little more than detrimental to my body and mind... but I don't think shipping me across the world would make anything better. I know that I'm not amazingly happy and that a lot has happened to me here, but I won't be any happier over there.
If they were to send me to somewhere cool like Spain, Egypt, or Australia... I'd pack my bags in a heartbeat. I just don't want to be any closer to my family. They'd be watching and judging my every move, and I can't take that kind of pressure. Maybe if I somehow prove that I can do better here, this will all blow over. Maybe this could just be incentive for me to do well in school when I start this year and get a better job. I just wish I knew what I wanted in life. I feel listless. I'm indecisive, and I have no set goals. Blah.
waiting for her to wake up.
I decided to do a little blogging while I wait.
As of late, life has been a rollercoaster. Within the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with stress at home, created distance with a few people, gotten closer to others, caught up with old friends, gotten into a relationship with a boy I'm pretty fond of, got music licensed by MTV, convinced my mom to buy herself a new car when I was trying to convince her to get one for me, thought about slowly torturing someone (not seriously, though... kind of), started new hobbies, left my job, and have almost been shipped off to the Philippines.
My mom and my brother are serious about that last part, and I'm a little scared. They think that living in the Philippines would be better for me. I can sort of see their point of view - school is inexpensive over there (as is life, generally), and I would probably be more focused. The life I live here actually has been a little more than detrimental to my body and mind... but I don't think shipping me across the world would make anything better. I know that I'm not amazingly happy and that a lot has happened to me here, but I won't be any happier over there.
If they were to send me to somewhere cool like Spain, Egypt, or Australia... I'd pack my bags in a heartbeat. I just don't want to be any closer to my family. They'd be watching and judging my every move, and I can't take that kind of pressure. Maybe if I somehow prove that I can do better here, this will all blow over. Maybe this could just be incentive for me to do well in school when I start this year and get a better job. I just wish I knew what I wanted in life. I feel listless. I'm indecisive, and I have no set goals. Blah.
In the meantime, I guess I should just keep doing what I'm doing. A few weeks ago, my brother picked up some turntables that 
my cousin left in San Diego. Gabriel (who I insanely missed) came back from Virginia, and started showing me how to scratch. It's addicting, but it helps keep my mind away from all that negative energy. I guess my new job for now will be deejaying. I'm still practicing, but if anyone's throwing any parties, let me know!
I'm kind of bummed out because everyone who's been home is going back to school soon. Chiara's going back to London, Jane's going back to Santa Barbara, Gabe is going back to Berkeley... they're all leaving me again. I can't be too sad, though. I know they'll be back again in a few months, and I'll be keeping myself busy too.
On another note, I've also been putting myself down for too long. Alex helped me realize that I'm actually capable of a lot, and not worthless. I think he's one of the best things to pop into my life. He makes me pretty happy, haha.
I used to think negatively and look at past events with resentment trying to find someone else to blame... and I only realize now that it's the wrong way to approach things. I've been through a lot of bullshit for someone my age, and I know I can take on some more. What hasn't killed me really just made me stronger.
I'm running out of things to say. I'll just leave you with this:
my cousin left in San Diego. Gabriel (who I insanely missed) came back from Virginia, and started showing me how to scratch. It's addicting, but it helps keep my mind away from all that negative energy. I guess my new job for now will be deejaying. I'm still practicing, but if anyone's throwing any parties, let me know!I'm kind of bummed out because everyone who's been home is going back to school soon. Chiara's going back to London, Jane's going back to Santa Barbara, Gabe is going back to Berkeley... they're all leaving me again. I can't be too sad, though. I know they'll be back again in a few months, and I'll be keeping myself busy too.
On another note, I've also been putting myself down for too long. Alex helped me realize that I'm actually capable of a lot, and not worthless. I think he's one of the best things to pop into my life. He makes me pretty happy, haha.
I used to think negatively and look at past events with resentment trying to find someone else to blame... and I only realize now that it's the wrong way to approach things. I've been through a lot of bullshit for someone my age, and I know I can take on some more. What hasn't killed me really just made me stronger.
I'm running out of things to say. I'll just leave you with this:
