Back in the day...

I sent a request to permanently delete my Facebook account, and this is the only thing that I've saved from it.

"i will never admit this again and if you tell anyone, i will deny it. i think you're a really cool person who is genuinely not afraid of putting yourself out there, even though it means having people say mean things about you (sometimes). I really admire you as a person who lives life happily and is comfortable with herself enough to do those quirky things."

I won't say who wrote this, but I can only say that this message, almost two years old, has taken me back a few steps.

I really miss the girl who is in all of these pictures. She wasn't afraid to be herself and speak her mind, and did as she pleased no matter what anyone else thought. She was comfortable with who she was.

I guess somewhere along the line I lost that girl, and slowly became the polar opposite. I don't want to care about what other people think anymore. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I want all these insecurities to vanish. I'm tired of the social norm telling me how to live.

Today I finally quit the band. The idea of leaving had been hanging over my head because I couldn't handle it with everything else going on, and I wasn't really having fun playing anymore. I have to admit, for the past few weeks I had been depressed. Almost every night when I was by myself I would cry until my eyes were dry. I was dreading meeting up with Suzette to tell her, but it was a lot easier than I had thought. She had told me that she saw it coming and said I had to do what I needed. We ended up talking a lot more, and the best words of advice came out of our meeting at Starbucks. "It's your life, Caresse, and no one else's ."

I'm going to find that girl in those pictures, and I'm going to be happy.

P.S.

Looks like I'm not the only quirky one in the
family.

Different statements to different people

I love you.


I miss you.


I worry about you sometimes.


What happened?


I wish you wouldn't make such a big deal out of everything.


I wish you could just relax for a second.


Please stop expecting and stop judging.


We're growing apart, and the urge to fix it hasn't hit me.


Your insecurity has started to rub off on me.


We're just not into the same things.


You twisted the truth, took it to a whole other level, and spread it around.


The last time I saw you, you still had braces on. Boy, things have changed.


Come back?


Thank you.

Fear

It's what keeps me from doing a lot of things.

Fear of judgment,
Fear of embarrassment,
Fear of failure,
Fear in general.

I'm determined, though.
I know what I'm capable of,
and I'm not going to let anything stop me.

Wish me luck.

I'm really afraid

of turning into my father.

My planner

isn't working for me. I need a new system because I am getting nothing done, and forgetting plans that I make with people. I am going to get this down by the end of the week.

They say if you write down your goals

you're more likely to go through with them.




Back in January I made a resolution to start dancing again. I guess I thought my resolutions out well, 'cause I kept it; it's all in the wording. I did start to dance again (I also did really well with cutting back on the drinking and smoking, and not quitting entirely). I was taking ballet for a good two or three months. Since then, though, my ballet shoes have been collecting dust.

I miss pas de bourrees, pirouettes, piques, chaines, chasses, and plies. I miss it all.


So by the end of this month, I am going to get off my ass and stop being lazy. I'm going to start dancing again, and continue to do so... and before 2010, I will master the attitude en pointe.


I know, it's a lot to hope for... but I'm still going to try. I'm definitely going to start taking up jazz again too. Oh, Fosse.

The Catcher in the Rye

is a depressing book. It was depressing in high school, and it's depressing in college.

Our first assignment in English was to write an essay analyzing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I know I procrastinated and waited until 3 AM of the day it was due to start on it, but I got it done, and I was happy with my work. I guess I thrive under pressure, because I'm supposed to be done with this book in a few hours, too. I don't care, I'm going to hold off reading it, and you can't stop me! So, anxiously waiting for the grade of what I thought was a masterpiece (I know for a fact it wasn't, but it seemed like it did at the time because I thought it was clever to allude to Spider-Man), I walk into class to find my professor disappointed with everyone's papers. I guess the assessment process at LACC is below par, because 75% the people placed in my English 101 class can't conjugate verbs and are unaware of what a preposition is. So, steadfast in the belief that reading is fundamental, he changed our reading assignments from essays and speeches to high school level books - the first one being The Catcher in the Rye, of course.

As soon as I saw him write the title of the book on the board, my heart dropped. Honest to God or whoever you believe in, in the course of the first few weeks of school I was enamored with this man because he reminded me of House (even though it would never have worked out anyway because he's interested in men and I'm already in love with Alex). At that moment, though, all those sweet feelings of adoration diminished. It's not that I hated the book, I loved it when I first read it. I couldn't put it down when I had picked it up the first time. I just wanted to read something new.

So halfway into the book now, I find that I do in fact hate it. Holden Caulfield is the most melancholy and morbid character known to literature, and has rubbed off on me. I think he's reason why I've been pretty emotional lately. I only started noticing everything dysfunctional in my life again because of this book. I mean, that could be a good thing, but I was happy without thinking about everything. Ignorance really is bliss, and The Catcher in the Rye puts life into a perspective where ignorance isn't available and it peels your eyes until they're dry. It's pretty terrible.

I'm not looking forward to finishing it again.



Anyway, I had a weekend full of ups and downs... more downs toward the end, but what's seen in this picture more than makes up for it. Disregard my eye bags, and focus on that sticker on my Macbook. After what had started as a shitty day at school today to top off a shitty Sunday, I meet up with Alex, and he gives me a Domo-kun car decal sticker. For some reason it just made everything better. The little things really do make me happy.

Today I looked into the mirror, and felt beautiful. I can't remember the last time I could say that. I admit that I've had pretty low self-esteem for a while now. I've been self-conscious of my weight because I'm not the 90-pound stick I was in high school. I'm not a model. I filled in, but today I realized that I gained weight not because of fat, but because I grew an ass and boobs - and I'm happy with them.

I realize that my family isn't there for me and I've lost touch with some people, but it's okay. The people who really matter are still here, and I'm here for them, no matter how far away they are.

Life isn't what it used to be, but I'm okay with it.
So screw you, Holden Caulfield. I'm going to stay happy.
I'm a student without a salary, but I'm willing to accept change.

Evaluation

I can't relate to anyone but those who are far away from me. The people who are the closest in proximity seem the furthest away, and it's heartbreaking.

Things are changing again.
Or maybe everything is just the same,
and it's only me who's changed.



I really wish I could be Peter Pan sometimes,
just free of responsibility.

"Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples."